Thursday, September 30, 2004

The Main Event

Tonight is the big debate. Calling it a "debate" is to use a broad definition of the term. In light of the 32 page agreement, tonight's event will actually be two parceled out speeches. They can't directly address one another? Absurd. I'd love to see these two put in a room with no notes, no handlers, and no moderators.

Dubya's Dayly Diary lets us in on a secret addendum to the existing lengthy debate agreement;

1. Kerry shall be required to answer all debate questions in French.

2. Bush shall be required to answer all debate questions in English.

3. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Bush shall feature several U.S. flags, the precise number of which is subject to further negotiation.

4. Throughout each debate, the backdrop behind Kerry shall feature a map of Massachusetts and two life-size photos of Kerry with Jane Fonda.

5. During the debates, Kerry shall address Bush as "Mr. President" or, if Kerry so elects, "Monsieur President."

6. During the debates, Bush shall address Kerry as "Senator Kerry" or, if Bush so elects, "Senator Flip-Flop."

7. Bush may, if he so chooses, elevate his torso by sitting on one or more padded telephone books. Alternatively, he may debate atop his mountain bike.

8. Kerry may, at his sole option, fluff up his hair, provided that Kerry's hair elevation shall not exceed 1.2 inches above scalp level.

9. Both Bush and Kerry may, but shall not be required to, wear a hat while debating (hereinafter referred to as "optional head-wear.") Bush's optional head-wear shall be a cowboy hat, and Kerry's optional head-wear shall be a beret.

10. Both Bush and Kerry shall wear business attire during debates one and two. However, during the third debate Bush may, if he so elects, wear a flight jacket, and Kerry may, if he so elects, where whatever garb he wears when he windsurfs.

11. All debate attendees shall be required to sign Bush/Cheney loyalty oaths, including all members of the media, except those employed by Fox.

12. Notwithstanding paragraph 11, Dan Rather shall be excluded from each debate, unless a panel of 6 experts unanimously confirms that his Bush/Cheney loyalty oath is not a forgery.

13. If Bush does not wish to answer any given question, he shall so indicate by saying "I'm glad you asked me that question," at which point the questioner shall thank him for his excellent answer and pose the same question to Kerry.

14. Kerry shall be required to sigh at least three times per debate. Moreover, additional sighs shall be required if any cameraman misses the shot.

15. Bush shall not be asked any question that requires him to pronounce the words nuclear, solidarity and/or Abu Ghraib.

16. In the event Kerry is declared the winner of any debate, Bush shall be entitled to a recount.

In the end, the debate probably won't sway many folks. After all, we know that the election will most likely be decided by the Battle of the Bunny Suits;

It's the question on the lips of the world:

"Which of the three main US presidential candidates looks best in a bunny rabbit suit?"

Do you think Bush's natural awkwardness suits the rabbit suit best? Or do you prefer Kerry, a candidate clearly at ease in his bunny rabbit skin? Or Nader's 'accountant dressed as a bunny rabbit' effort?
I took the poll. I must confess that my vote went to Bush. "Bunny Bush" has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

There's only a few days left to register to vote in most states. This is a critical election. If you haven't done so yet, there's still time. Go register now!


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